Breaking News: Miley Cyrus Cuts Hair Really Poorly

Miley. For years, she just been a simple country gal with really messed-up teeth who did a little bit of pole-dancing here and there. But in recent days, crack has come into the picture. Yes, folks, we can confirm that Miley Cyrus has inhaled a large amount of crack cocaine, because damn, look at that hair-cut. Miley's father, Billy Ray Cyrus, who rose to fame during the 80s or 90s or some shit with his single "Honky Tonk, Badonkadonk", a lovely little ditty about having sex with large-assed women, has come forward and has said "Nobody better make fun of my daughter, because she is a precious little angel." to reporters before heading back to his trailer with a couple of groupies at his side. There is no word yet on whether or not the groupies are anyone's daughters.

Brace yeself brethren, for a new dawn bringth a new age! Indeed! For twas our forefathers who spoketh forth of a time such as this, for us to embrace like a she-wolf coddling her cubs - this beast, this villainy that dare declare itself to be the crown of Miley; condemned be any man, woman or child who doth not make mockery of such crockery! Ye, even the rodents beneath our feet crow thine air with laughter and ye best harken to this cacophony, for it is a blessing to the ear of all whom hear it! To what end does this maiden vex our continence wit thou craven malmsey-nosed scullian! Thy hair tis is like the toad; ugly and venomous. Thou art a wench of the lowest regard, thine hair is that of the gorgons - NAY - that of Medusa herself, queen of hideousness, who cradles serpents upon her head.

Miley has turned into a crazy girl, like this one here. If you see her, run.

This latest unusual Hollywood hair-cut is seen by Celebrity Analysts as a sign of repressed craziness, which is often revealed early by warning signs, often marked by odd behavior, insane hair-cuts, criminal acts, acts of random lewdness, sudden habitual sex addiction and drug/alcohol usage, and sudden but entirely unexpected marriages. Dr. Kurt Von Weinerschnozel, a senior researcher for the U.S. Institute for the Study of Celebrity Behavior, commented on Saturday, stating, "Yo, dat haircut is fucked-up, yo. Dat bitch crazy. She must be smokin' crack or somethin'." which was enough to set off a firestorm of questions surrounding the personal life of Miley Cyrus. Fans of Miley have come to love her "all-American girl" look, which was actually quite generic while aesthetically-pleasing, and a very non-assuming demeanor that was both boring as fuck, and meanwhile, "safe for the whole family". As such, we here at JCG and other Celeb Magazines expect nothing short of perfection, and although technically, Miley Cyrus has not broken any laws or acted unethically with her haircut, we would like to maintain that we believe she is crazy and nuts and is probably smoking crack.

Kristen and Robert's Tension Rise; Team Edward Loses Ground

Word has it that America's least-beloved couple, Kristin Stewart, who is incapable of human emotions other than "boredom" and "disgust", and Robert Patterson, who is some random white kid, have a whirlwind romance that is on the rocks. The couple reportedly "doesn't give a shit", much to the dismay of Twilight, in which both Stewart and Patterson are actors. That's right. The whole damn series as an entity is upset about this. DVDs are suddenly developing consciousness, and anthropomorphic mouths that have communicated to the public and to our news sources that they want "Those two to just work things out." A poster for the latest Twilight movie (I don't know what it's called, but it's probably something like "Solar Equinox" or "Quarter Moon") reportedly came to life momentarily, and the image of Bella Swan, an unpopular character from the series played by Kristin Stewart, shed a single tear of what can only be described as "contrived sadness". 

This news of a rift between Kristin Stewart and Edward Cullen Robert Patterson has come as great news to Team Jacob, a group of Lycan-supporting zealots who seek to see Kristin Stewart's Bella Swan fall in love with a certain werewolf named Jacob. I hate to editorialize at times like these, but I personally think werewolves are like, awesome, because they're wolfs. All Edward does is turn into a bat at night, and uses his supersonic echo-radar to hunt insects, whereas Jacob turns into a wolf and eats elk, wild boars and even his own body and then saying "Chaos... REIGNS" to Willem DaFoe right before his evil wife smashes his nuts with a sledgehammer. That's pretty awesome right there. All I can say is this: do not despair, citizens of America. The power of love never prevails in Hollywood, which is a bottomless pit of soul-sucking godlessness that has a never-ending unquenchable thirst for ruining relationships. Personally, I blame Obama.

(Picture by some website, but I cannot read the damn watermark because it's too small and the letters are all garbled, so thanks to them.)

Pitbull to Take Off Sunglasses

The popular artist only known to his family and friends as "Pitbull" (as seen above with his sunglasses on) has announced yesterday that he was set to remove his sunglasses, revealing to the world his actual eyeballs. To-date, there are no documented instances where Pitbull has removed his sunglasses, and this ground-breaking spectacle of spectacle-removal will be spotlighted in the upcoming documentary, Pitbull: Behind The Sunglasses, which follows his emotional journey that led him to never take off his goddamn sunglasses, and will climax with the movie's emotional unveiling of Pitbull's alleged eyes. Audiences from the early screenings were quite moved by the documentary, with one teary-eyed woman saying, "It's a beautiful story of a beautiful man. I never knew much about Pitbull before I saw this movie, but I'm glad that I know who he is now, and if I ever meet him, I would say that I'm proud of him. He had sunglasses on, and then... and then, he took them off... it was inspiring."

There is no word yet on whether or not Pitbull will put the sunglasses back on.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes DIVORCE SCANDAL OMFG THANK YOU GOD I MEAN OH THAT'S SO SAD

Wait wait. Hold your applause, because you're going to look incredibly silly standing up and clapping in front of your computer. Hold off on jumping on Oprah's couch from sheer glee, because the moment we've all been waiting for at JCG has come! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced! This is so exciting that I already peed my pants twice, and the guy who makes my coffee got diarrhea and shit his pants, but that was unrelated to this latest celebrity divorce story that has... somehow... failed to grip the nation even though it's like THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD. 

Tom Cruise has been spotted by multiple sources weeping from emotion pain, and sliding into a steady depression, much to our glee, because we see drama like this going down, boners ensue. The office place becomes an orgy dungeon and the streets run white with champagne. God, I almost forgot all the Scientology jokes that I could tell from this latest marital fiasco in the dark bowels of Hollywood. But Lord Xemu of the Galactic Confederacy would likely send his lawyers to sue me. OH ZING. BURN. 

 

 According to People magazine, Tom's world is now "Shattered", and despite his life being in utter turmoil and having no one to turn to except his inner circle (aka booze and prostitutes) and Scientology, he remains amazingly photogenic. Also, Jessica is going through some kind of weight-battle, but I would struggle with my weight too if my career was over.

ENOUGH! I'm not talking Jennifer Lopez learning to kickbox and then beating the shit out of her on-screen husband; according Us Weekly, Ann Curry isn't speaking to Matt Lauer (and I don't blame her) and Katie Holmes apparently secretly plotted against Tom Cruise and Scientology, because when we talk about Tom Cruise, we have to constantly talk about Scientology (Because of that asshole Matt Lauer's interview with Tom Cruise) and assert that it somehow plays a role in all of this. Hell, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony probably got divorced because JLo's thetan levels indicated that she was a crazy bitch, and Marc Anthony became a Muslim or something. Matt Lauer probably also ruined their relationship, which makes me suspect that Matt Lauer is in league with Scientology, and the Secret Illuminati Plot to take over the world Pinky-And-The-Brain-Style by ruining all the celebrity marriages. We'll know when Niburu arrives later this year, and the final battle between Earth and the Lizardmen begins.

Oh, congratulations on the baby, Adele! Love your music!

I am truly a visionary

I made a joke about Chick-Fil-A and cocks on August 1, a full one day before before Jon Stewart of The Daily Show lampooned Chick-Fil-A supporters for grabbing greasy buns and getting cocks in their mouths.

SUCK IT, STEWART!

Oh, he used the term "Cockblockers" on July 31st?

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

At least they pulled the plug on Olivia Munn and let her die. Jessica Williams is 5,000,000 times hotter and funnier, but the hotness factor is mostly objective, and I have a thing for black chicks.

Chick-Fil-A Hates Fags

 

 Hi bitches! :D

Step aside, Fred Phelps. There is a new face of homophobia and fiery condemnation: Chick-Fil-A. Now, I personally boycotted Chick-Fil-A years ago on the basis that their food gives me diarrhea. I personally believe that people are created equal, and that they at Chick-Fil-A should produce food for both those who have weak stomachs, and those who can ingest massive amounts of despicable vile fast food trash like it's nothing. I know Chick-Fil-A reads my blog, so when you do, heed this: stop making food that gives me diarrhea.

Despite my personal bitter vendetta against a fast-food chain, there is another battle brewing: Chick-Fil-A vs Gays. Yeah. Chick-Fil-A has decided to piss on the LGBT community, but their piss is made of frying oil. In response, our nation has decided to do the right thing; stop eating shitty fast food... or at least, at this one franchise. And of course, with every boycott, you have to have one last sandwich before you say goodbye forever. Okay, two more sandwiches, and that's it. Well, a third one can't hurt either... but then that's IT. I might eat a fourth sandwich there, but then it's over, Chick-Fil-A. Fuck you. You're a bunch of hypocrites. You make chicken sandwiches every day, and do you know what that means? You handle a lot of cocks every day.

But okay, as an objective and totally real journalist (I can call myself that because I have an online blog; sup, cable news anchors) I can see that Chick-Fil-A is just doing what their dear leader feels is right. After all, he wants to follow God and not fall short in sin by endorsing

Oh. That. Chick-Fil-A totally is not responsible for this! It's some outside independent individual who loves Chick-Fil-A, hates gay people, has Facebook, has a lot of time on his hands, and knows how to orchestrate a social media blitz in a matter of days at their whim for personal reasons. John Edward could have even done it, but then again, he's often quite busy having sex with various women while his wife lies in a hospital bed, dying of cancer. Mike Huckabee is too busy jamming on the bass guitar with popular musical artists, such as Alter Bridge and Lady GaGa or some shit, though. Geez though. There are 7 billion people in the world, and although many of them do not have computers or internet access, or shoes, running water, electricity, peace, health, food, homes, jobs, or those special cheese-cutting utensils, one of them still coulda dun it, because in these tough times around the world, you never know who is going to get involved in a fast-food-chain-political-position scandal thingy.