Report: The Octomom to Act In Porn; Standard Craziness

 This is Nadya Suleman, just your average mother of 14 children. Over the years, really meanie weenie people have questioned whether or not she is able to be a good mother to so many children while working so hard on so many projects, like posing in a bed with a bunch of plastic baby dolls:

 Now we know the answer to that question...

Yes.

Nadya Suleman, with her new-and-improved bionic body, has decided to put her vagina to work once again, but this time, IT'S PERSONAL. Just like any loving mother would, Nadya Suleman has turned to pornography to "liberate herself sexually and feel like a new person" put food on the table for her children. I mean, I wish my mom had done this when I was a kid; then I could maybe get that Sega Genesis I wanted... but it's too late now. I'm all grown-up and realize that Sega Genesis sucks. Sonic The Hedgehog sucks.

And yes, that picture is real, and that is a purple dildo next to some scented candles. Somehow, this picture is even MORE disturbing when it's censored, because if you haven't seen the actual picture, your imagination starts to run wild with what is under those black boxes. Don't. Just don't go down that route. Think about adorable kittens running through tall grass, chasing butterflies to Sarah McLachlan music. That's only advice I can give to you. Erase everything from your mind.

As for the children, initial reports are that no one knows their names, but they will probably never have to worry about ever having these videos of their mom being sent to them as a cruel, cruel high school prank, or needing any kind of counseling for any sort of emotional issues that might arise from living with a single mother who does pornography and reality TV for living with your 13 other siblings, because statistics show that this situation has happened exactly zero times.

Crazy Boxing-Promoter Guy Dies

Long-time Boxing promoter, and adamant avoider of the barber, Don King, died last week, leaving a huge hole in a few people's hearts. King, as seen above holding a bazooka, while standing next to a guy with an M-16 that has a grenade launcher attached, while wearing a diamond-studded cross, and an America-themed suit-and-tie, was one of Boxing's most crazy and least understood individuals. Friends of King, who wanted to remain anonymous said of King, "He sometimes would just say the craziest shit. Like damn... he would just talk some crazy shit, and I'd be like 'nigga what the fuck is you talking about?' cuz I didn't know if he was trippin' or some shit, ya know what I'm saying? Like, we would just be talkin', havin' a normal conversation, and this nigga just starts off about some cosmic shit like from Star Trek or some shit, and is talking about giraffes mating and shit, and what would happen if rocks could talk. That nigga would just never shut up... we would just listen to his shit for hours and then we realize he ain't gonna stop any time soon, so we would just go home and come back the next day and he'd still be talkin' about some goddamn crazy shit like 'the Japanese could be building a robot octopus to beam advertisements into our brains'. What the fuck. Anyway, I think I said too much, so don't mention my name or nothing on your internet page."

The cause of King's death is believed to be linked to the controversial Paquiao vs Bradley fight, in which the reigning champion of the Negative Weight Division, Manny Paquiao, spent approximately 20 minutes of landing blow after terrible blow into Timothy Bradley's miserable body. The fight was stopped, and Timothy Bradley was declared the winner, and the decision made so little sense that Don King decided to cease living, and at approximately 18:30 EST, King was declared dead by medical professionals on the scene.

We will truly miss you.

Report: Lindsay Lohan still drunken; whore

 According to sources close to Lindsay Lohan, she is now completely sober and the whole episode was an apparent "prank". In a short statement, Lohan reportedly commented about the whole situation, saying, "I was just kidding.", adding with a smile, "I didn't think everyone would take the whole thing so seriously." As usual, Lindsay's father, Michael Lohan could be reached for comment, but we did our best to ignore him.

 JUST KIDDING LOL

In another statement given after the original statement, Lindsay Lohan said that her new-found sobriety was, in fact, the prank. "Where can I score some crack?" Lohan immediately said with a laugh. Everyone at the press conference had a good laugh, but we could not help but feel sorry for her and... HEY... who doctored that photo to say "whore" over her head!? THIS PAGE IS CLASSY. We're not TMZ.

IS KRIS KARDASHIAN A BITCH?

Yes.

According to JCG's most top-notch Bitch Experts, Kris Jenner, aka Kris Kardashian, is in fact, a bitch. The source of her bitchiness is yet to be determined, but believe me, we are allocating very few resources to figure out why celebrities have personality problems! Keep 'em coming!

BRUCE TO KRIS: "YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT MONEY."

KRIS: "BRUCE IS UGLY AND I ONLY CARE ABOUT MONEY."

KIM: "I ONLY CARE ABOUT MONEY."

KOURTNEY: "I ALSO ONLY CARE ABOUT MONEY."

BRUCE TO FAMILY: "OUR FAMILY IS RUINED!!!!"

KHLOE: "I STILL ONLY CARE ABOUT MONEY."

BRUCE, IN TEARS: "PLEASE, LET'S JUST BE A FAMILY AGAIN." 


KIM: "I ALSO CARE ABOUT PUBLICITY."


KHLOE: "YEAH, ME TOO."


KRIS: "LOL, ME THREE."


BRUCE, ON HIS KNEES, SOBBING: "COME BACK TO ME! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART LISA!"


KRIS: "WHO IS LISA!?"


BRUCE: "I MEAN KRIS."


KRIS: "I WANT A DIVORCE."


KIM: "IS THERE ANY WAY WE CAN TURN THE DIVORCE INTO A REALITY TV SHOW?"


KRIS: "YOU ARE SO BUSINESS-SAVVY... THAT'S MY GIRL!"


Meanwhile, in Syria...


hundreds gunned down in horrific gunfire... more news at 10.

The unofficial Youtube.com Comment of The Millenium Award goes out to TheBluearmyash, who dropped this bit of wisdom in the Youtube comments:

"You absolute! 100%! Testicle licking! Dick sucking! Arsehole rimming! Special Bus riding! Retard Helmet wearing! Hypocritical! Sorry Ass Son Of A Bitch!!!!!!! Your tryna say, you only came here to put that comment?! You have to have typed it in! or watched a Hip Hop song first for it to be suggested! Hip Hop is the realest, deepest, most emotion filled genre of music there is! When you hatin HipHop, you hatin on all its fans! And that aint to smart...... ;)"

May these words inspire millions of people for years and years to come. Thank you for your contribution to the human race, TheBluearmyash.

Another Kardashian Gets Divorced

In Kardashian news, Kourtney Kardashian is probably getting divorced, but who knows if that's the correct Kardashian, or if that's even correct at all. One of them is probably getting married or divorced but the Good Lord only knows.

Special Report: Uma Thurman's Pussy Sighted

12:29 Cali time - Uma Thurman's pussy was spotted on the beach by trained photographers, who captured the pussy on film for the purpose of publication the other day, prompting a firestorm of controversy. "Holy shit," Jacob Jameson, a Professional Cinematographer and Photographical Artist said last Thursday, "I totally saw Uma Thurman's pussy. Like... it was Uma Thurman... but with her pussy exposed." Other observers, like 18-year-old intern photographer Wayne Turnpike, reported similar accounts of what they saw that fateful day. "It was like," Turnpike explained, clearly still excited, "It was Uma Thurman, but with nothing covering the bottom part of her. I've never seen anything like this." However, there are skeptics. A spokesman for the U.S. Air Force Intelligence Branch said during a press conference "What you saw was probably the planet Venus, which often takes on the appearance of celebrity clitoris in certain lights. It's also quite possible what you saw was a small Cessna Jetliner, or even a weather balloon, which you have mistaken for Uma Thurman's pussy." This dismal dismissal was met with criticism by witnesses who observed the event firsthand. "I know what I saw." Turnpike protested, "It wasn't the planet Venus or a weather balloon. It was definitely Uma Thurman's pussy. I know a pussy when I see one, and this was definitely one that belonged to Uma Thurman. Such a condescending explanation is very patronizing and upsetting, and I am personally appalled by the U.S. Government's lack of response to the situation which is quite clearly been proven to be happening between Uma Thurman's legs."

Umathurmanpussyologists have offered an explanation for the dismissal though, saying, "If civilization saw Uma Thurman's pussy, think about the implications on society. Religion would be meaningless. There would be mass panic, and ejaculate flowing in the streets."

The alleged picture, taken by professional Stalkerazzi ninjas, followed Thurman to a remote and secret island which isn't even on standard geography maps (As a secret getaway for celebrities who want to be left alone) and spotted Thurman on the beach, lifting her skirt, which reportedly revealed her pussy. "It was almost like she wanted us to see her pussy." an anonymous Stalkerazzi cameraman said, adding: "Why else would she fly to a secret island?"