Twitter's Jack Dorsey: Nazi!? SCANDAL!

Sieg Heil indeed

Last Thursday, Twitter, in an effort to keep their stock price down, banned a bunch of users of the website for identifying as "alt-right". The alt-right is a relatively new phenomenon to the internet: This most recent election was divisive, not just with Democrats vs. Republicans, but also among right-wingers themselves. For example, the typical right-winger just wants to own a gun, and to have a smaller, more fiscally-responsible government, except when they need help with money. The alt-right, however, embraces their body-pillow waifus while posting dank rare Pepe memes on /pol/ while debating whether or not traps are gay or not. Fun fact: traps are gay. The alt-right loves Donald Trump, Taylor Swift, and original Ghostbusters.

All of these things are dangerous to a free-speech forum. When other members of the site are afraid to speak out because they might get "doge-piled" (When a bunch of alt-right members post rare Pepes and smug anime in massive doses that the casual user is unaccustomed to. I'm talking like 15 notifications.) and might even get turned into a meme if they scream incoherently in a video. It's the same tactics used by Hitler's SS agents, who would purge the Nazi Party's political enemies through frog-based telecommunications inside-jokes. The severity of the situation has caused many concerned parties to leave Twitter in fear. A rabbi agreed to be interviewed by JCG, and when we asked why he left Twitter, he sadly replied, "I have never used Twitter. I don't know why anyone uses Twitter. Even the name 'Twitter' is obtuse. Are their users twits? Anyhow, I think people saying [The Jewish People] control everything is absurd and disturbing, but I dunno. Just put your damn phones down. Then you don't have to read it. Also, we don't control everything. Vietnamese ladies have a total monopoly on the manicure industry."

Truly horrifying.

Earlier today, Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twatter.com, was seen being greeted by pedestrians. He raised his arm and showed a Nazi salute, a clear indication that he has secretly sworn allegiance to the Third Reich. This leads us to a horrifying conclusion: what if the alt-right aren't Nazis, but just like trolling and looking at loli porn (not that I know what that is), and Jack Dorsey is the Nazi fuhrer overseeing the iron blue eagle of Twitter. 

It is against JCG policy to declare someone to be literally Hitler, but Jack Dorsey is literally Hitler, our sources confirm. His totalitarian reign over squashing opinions may only be the tip of the penis I mean iceberg. It is 80-90% likely that he plans to exterminate the Jewish race, and doesn't want the alt-right to alert the Jewish Community by posting Nazi-themed Pepes and Anime. Or Harambe. When we at JCG look deeply into Dorsey's shimmer, blue, Aryan eyes -- filled with hatred -- we can only recoil in horror when we learned that Hitler probably escaped Nazi Germany to Argentina on a U-Boat, and put two and two together... Jack Dorsey is Adolf Hitler. Literally. It's actually him.

Madonna To Suck A Million Dicks

If you're a male, Madonna wants your cum in her mouth!

JCG 2016 Election Coverage -- Last Thursday, Madonna "Madonna" Madonna put forth a tantalizing offer for every male who ever wanted to receive fellatio from a 60-year-old pop star with a fake English accent: To suck the dick of every man who would vote for Hillary Clinton. So far, millions of American males have signed up to have their genitals slurped by the aging Kabbala enthusiast in exchange for their allegiance to former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. As of yet, it is not clear why Madonna has put forth this proposition, and the perplexing contingency is not lost on the receivers of the head. 

Stephen Banker, a 36-year-old attorney from Arkansas, spoke to JCG while waiting in the miles-long line to have his phallus engaged orally by the Material Girl herself. "I don't know why she wants to suck my dick." Banker said, adding, "I think a presidential candidate should be chosen on the merit of their policies, not for sexual reasons, but hey - head is head." Banker's wife, Hanna Banker, was initially upset with her husband for going to Madonna, but has come around, evidently. "Stephen has always wanted to get his dick sucked by Madonna," Mrs. Banker explained, "And I don't like Donald Trump, so this will get him to vote for Hillary, so our votes won't just cancel each other out, and this just kind of works."

Other men weren't so lucky. James Westville, from Colorado Springs, Colorado, left his long-time girlfriend of 20 years to plug Madonna's mouth-hole with his member. "I loved [my girlfriend]," Westville explained, "But this is Madonna we're talking about. I can't pass this opportunity to get my dick between her lips. She may be old now, but that just means she has experience."

According to Madonna's publicist, Madonna has trained hard to prepare for the onslaught of cocks that would be cumming her way in lieu of her offer. She is reported to have done 100 tongue-push-ups per day, and has an IV attached to her arm to keep her body hydrated and prevent chafing on the interior of her mouth. She will not eat for the next 16 days, at least, not a conventional meal. Human sperm is high in protein and essential nutrients, and she will be using the high vitality of a semen-based diet to maintain her stamina. 

We, of course, wish her the best in her mission!

Lindsay Lohan Gets Her Hand Bitten Off By A Shark

Member Lindsay Lohan?

Lindsay Lohan has come a long way since being the adorable little girl in The Parent Trap remake, which is scheduled to be remade again in 2018 as The Parent Trap: Reconciliation, directed by Michael Bay, and starring Gail Bean and Gail Bean as the twins, Donald Glover as the dad, and Stacey Dash as the mom. It will have everything you want in a movie: black people, explosions, sexy women, gay people, explosions, gay explosions.

Lindsay decided to start her own nightclub, because she'd been kicked out of so many nightclubs for throwing her stilettos randomly, that she said, "Fuck you all, I'm starting my own nightclub, and when I do, you're not on the list, fuckerrrrrrsssss!" Unfortunately for Ms. Lohan, managing the club has turned out to be more difficult than she had imagined: she has to manage inventory, abide by labor laws, get the building ready for fire inspections, fight the rats out of the kitchen with a flamethrower, deal with unruly employees, deal with rowdy customers and guests, make sure the club is bangin', pay royalties to use popular rap music, and on one occasion, she had to fight off a shark.

That's right, folks, you heard it here first: last Thursday, Lindsay Lohan had to tango with a fully-grown great white shark in her own club, and the sight was not pretty. The club's security guards informed Ms. Lohan that a shark had been spotted in the club, and according to eyewitness reports, Lindsay lost her fucking shit. She began screaming incoherently, and throwing bottles of alcohol at the bar patrons, demanding that they remove the shark from the building. The shark was asked to leave, but since sharks don't speak any English, it continued to stay on the dance floor. Sharks only understand one thing: blood. They are truly stupid creatures who only can destroy life with their blood-stained massive teeth of death.

According to reports, Lohan began yelling, "Get the fuck out of my club! This my club, you piece of shit!" and the shark became confused, and interpreted Lindsay's flailing hands as fish, swimming through the sea. The shark lunged forward and instantly bit off Lindsay's left hand, the one she uses to finger her clitoris (whereas the right hand handles the dildo), and swallowed it. Lohan's hand was said to be so inundated with drugs that it killed the shark instantly, but left Lohan with a stump that sprayed blood like a Tarantino flick. Luckily for Lindsay Lohan, doctors were able to re-attach her hand, despite Lindsay Lohan's demands to have her hand replaced with a grenade launcher.

Lindsay's publicist could not be reached for comment.

Naked Hillary Statue: WHY!?

Pictured above is the disrespectful "art" being put on display.

I really can't believe I'm saying this: this election just got weirder. I mean, I know people are passionate about politics, but there are some lines that just should not be crossed. I'm talking about a horribly sexist statue of Hillary Clinton, a former First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State, and candidate for President of The United States, completely unclothed. I wanted to think that we, as a nation, could afford woman of this stature some dignity, but for the mystery artist, disrespect seems to be the order of the day.

I've presented a picture (above) to show what the statue looks like, but have it blurred out of respect to both my readers and for myself. Despite the gossip-y nature of this publication, we have some pride, and aren't going to show a presidential candidate in the nude for cheap clicks or cheap laughs. I would imagine, somewhere, The Right is chuckling about this tasteless joke. Who finds this funny, though? I, for one, sure do not. Laughing at the anatomy of another human being shows a lack of basic empathy and a taste for cruelty. I know we as people can be unbelievably cruel to each other at times, but I think we need to make a concerted effort to rise above our instinct to insult.

This is not the kind of thing I would want my kids to see in public, either. The audacious indecency of the artist to think placing this in public would warrant an apology normally -- if we knew who the hell did this!

To whoever made this: You should apologize to Hillary Clinton, and stop putting these up. Thank you.

Hilarious Naked Donald Trump Statue Appears Around The Nation

Oh, say it's not so! For those of you fortunate enough to have the sense to never imagine Donald Trump nude, a mysterious and heroic artist has decided to taint your memories with his or her brilliantly explicit work. At first you go, "NO." and wince at the sight of it, then you look again, and see something we all suspected: that Donald Trump may have married and divorced and married and divorced and married gorgeous women not for his amazing physique. But what could it be that sways these beautiful ladies into his flabby arms? Could it be his awful, pampered, condescending, smug, racist, sexist, and overbearing personality? Possibly. Or the man just has a huge dick.

OR

OR... OR HE HAS A BOATLOAD OF MONEY. We know he can jerk out a bunch of weird, suit-wearing kids, but somewhere under Donald Trump's extravagant rolls of whale blubber, there lurks a tiny (but busy) phallus with a net worth of "5 billion dollars". The hilarious shock-value of the 'Naked Trump' piece comes from the fact that it's what we all subconsciously imagined, and shows how truly absurd Trump becomes without his expensive suits. He just becomes a poorly-endowed, pear-shaped piece of rubber with a terrible haircut.

For the mystery-artist behind this, we can only say: well-done! This was hilarious and made our day here at the office. Mad props.

Why Brad and Angelina Got Divorced: "Having a White Baby Traumatized Me"

It's not official until I say it's official, so now I'm saying it's official: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are done; stick a fork in it. After betraying Jennifer Aniston in 2005 by divorcing her and saying, "I think we should just be... FRIENDS." then being seduced by Angelina Jolie on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, sweet delicious karma has struck again like the bitch she is, and has said ixnay on the arriagenay. The couples' lives were closely followed by the savage paparazzi, some of whom are actual cannibals that eat human beings. Under the scrutiny of cameras and bloggers, we followed this whirlwind romance from beginning to end, wondering if it would persevere like Billary (Bill and Hillary Clinton mixed, for their strength in magic) or if Brad Pitt would get involved in a weird alien cult like Tom Cruise and force Angelina (who is Katie Holmes [or vice-versa?] in this metaphor) to abide by a made-up religion by a science fiction writer when the whole thing is obviously a huge pile of bullshit.

And by that, I mean Scientology is bullshit. Go ahead, pull my google adsense money OH WAIT I DON'T HAVE ANY. Lick my colossal veiny genitals, you E.T.-fuckers.

Uh.

Why did Hollywood's dynamic duo split, though? After years of blissful marriage, the couple has had many ups and downs. But why? Was it Brad Pitt's propensity to savagely beat Angelina with a wrench? No, ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you a much different account of events. In 2034 or some shit, Angelina Jolie went to Thailand or Cambodia or one of those countries, and adopted Maddox, which is his actual native name. Maddox was beloved by the public and he went on to start "The Best Page In The Universe" on the internet, which now has a Youtube channel, and exclusive t-shirts, not that I'm shilling or anything. I'm just stating facts.

Then Jolie adopted another Chinese kid, and then adopted a black as a child. I mean a negroid child. I'm serious. I mean, I'm not joking. I'm not trying to be racist. I wish I were allowed to use the 'delete' key on my keyboard, and then I wouldn't have to type out embarrassing faux pas such as that. My boss says "No. We want only the rawest, most visceral content on JCG even if it exposes your secret racism and the fact that you're actually a homosexual and need to just admit it and stop lying to yourself. Why are you not married yet? Where's your girlfriend, hm?" and I stick to that mantra even though I'm seriously wondering what would happen if I ever made a typo.

Going back to the story -- the real story here -- according to an ex-bodyguard for the couple, once Angelina Jolie had a white baby with Brad Pitt, she 'felt betrayed'. According to multiple sources close to Jolie, she was severely disappointed that Brad Pitt's sperm produced a caucasian baby and she couldn't handle it. She began channeling her anger into portraits of bowls of fruit, which she painted with acrylic paints, and doing yoga. Over time, her obsession spiraled out of control, and her house was covered in canvases and she was so flexible that she could bend backwards and lick her own pussy on the front-side. Disturbed by Jolie's behavior, Brad Pitt took the kids and stayed at a shelter because he didn't feel safe around her any longer. Enraged by Brad's actions, Angelina went to one of the most exclusive clubs in LA and danced her anger out on the dance floor, and her moves were sensational. Then she took a bunch of pills and washed them down with UV's quesadilla-flavored vodka. Loaded full of drugs and righteous anger, she went home and threw all of Brad's belongings out on the lawn in the rain. When she woke up the next morning, she realized she accidentally went to a stranger's house and threw some random person's belongings out on their front lawn.

The 911 transcript that we obtained through abhorrent and shameful sexual favors reads thusly:

911: Hello, what is your emergency?

Caller [who wants to remain anonymous]: Oh god, help me!

911: Calm down, ma'am. Please tell me what's going on.

Caller: Angelina Jolie is in my house! Oh my god!

911: That's not an emergency. Please don't-

Caller: She's throwing my stuff out of my house! I don't know why she's doing this! NOT THE VASE. THAT HAS MY FATHER'S ASHES! [faint sound of shattering in the background]

Truly horrific. So Brad was like, "I'm outtie. Here, tell these people something they don't know about me." and tossed a microphone into Angelina Jolie's hands. Everyone in the shelter jeered loudly, breaking the awkward silence around Brad's rule-breaking acapella verse. Later on, little Knox Leon (the pale-faced baby) asked his mother, Angelina, "Did you and daddy break up because of me?" sadly. "Yes son." Angelina answered lovingly. They both smiled and Angelina poked his nose. He giggled playfully. "You're so silly, mommy." Knox Leon said.

Ariana Grande Hates America

"May the United States burn in hell" - Ariana Grande

Pop-star, singer, songwriter, movie star. These are just a few words that describe the incredibly talented and beautiful artist in Ariana Grande. However, when it comes to the land of the free, she has some choice words for America, the beautiful. "Fuck America.", Ariana said in an interview with Misinformation Weekly, "This whole country is trash. It's garbage. I hate all of these disgusting people around me, I hate apple pie, and I hate that goddamn flag."

Critics of Ms. Grande have been cited as being 'offended', and one stated that if she disliked living in the United States so pointedly, that she should "just get the fuck out". Grande scoffed at such a proposition, replying, "Wow, you little fuckers. You don't know me. You don't know my life. I will go ham on your lilly asses. You do not want to see me ascend to my final form and vaporize you. I will throw my fucking chicken McNuggets at you, and if I see you in the streets, I'm slapping the shit out of you."

A spokesperson for Ariana Grande gave a much more muted statement, saying,

"While we understand that some people may be upset by Ms. Grande's words, keep in mind that she has every right to her opinion, and you should respect that. You should also know that she's extremely talented, beautiful, and a great singer, and you're just jealous of her. It's jealous people like you that make the world a horrible place. I hope you drown in shit."

Ariana Grande's fans gave a mixed reaction to Ariana's words:

"What the fuck is this article, this is a fucking lie, take this page down if you're going to lie." - Stacy Hillberg, Colorado Springs, CO

"Ariana did NOT ever say that. She only said she hates how Americans are for being so out-of-control with the amount of junk food they consume and she APOLOGIZED for that, so get over it, you asshole. Ugh, you're the kind of person that makes me hate people." - Alice Hernandez, Colorado Springs, CO

"Uhhhh, no? This didn't happen? You can't just make shit up on the internet. That's pathetic. I bet you're a bald, fat, 40-year-old virgin that lives in your mom's basement. You have nothing in life and that's why you're willing to sit down and TALK SHIT about Ariana." - Fillipe Articuno, Colorado Springs, CO

"Delete your blog." - Jenelle Jackson, Colorado Springs, CO

"wtf ur soooo retarded ariana never said that!!! i wish ppl like u would go away forever!!! this seriously makes me want to cry with how mean ppl are in the world!!!" - Jacob Haroldsmann, Colorado Springs, CO

"Why didn't they let me play Donald Trump? Alec Baldwin's Donald Trump impression is garbage compared to mine. Bitch move, SNL." - Darrell Hammond, Colorado Springs, CO

"This is fucking hilarious! You made my day, dude! :D" - Erin Pearson, Colorado Springs, CO

Conor McGregor Challenges Entire Nation of Russia To Fight

When it comes to iconic prize fighters, there is a short list of greats: Mike Tyson, Muhammad Ali, Danny Bonaduce, and Conor McGregor. The hot-spoken Irishman has become a superstar from his 'gift of gab', but he may have bit off more than he could chew this week when he called out the Russian Federation to a fight. Last Thursday, McGregor told reporters, "I feel as though I can take of this Russia situation with a left uppercut to the jaw. I foresee Russia falling in the second round of the fight, yeh."

Russian citizens are concerned about the developing situation. Sergey Ulanov, a steel worker in Rostov, Russia, spoke to our field reporters, saying, "Russia not scared of fight. Russia strong.", adding, "This man is speaking but he not action man."

McGregor fired back on Twitter, saying: "These people tink it is all talk. But when teh entire nation of Russia is standin' across the cage from me, tey will see it is not all talk. Fook all of 'em, and fook Vladimir Putin too!" When asked by Ulanov's comments, McGregor replied, "Who da fook is dat? I'll whup 'is ass too, and I'll whup 'is whole family's ass, kids n' everyting, I don't give a fook."

Russia President Vladimir Putin has issued a statement, saying: "Conor McGregor must respect the sovereignty of the Russian people, and I would advise him against using such provocative rhetoric. I am prepared to use military force, if necessary, to defend the interests of the Russia people."

When President Putin was asked if he would consider nuking Conor McGregor, he simply replied, "Da."

Judd Apatow Causes Nuclear War

This is the skyline of the once-great New York City, NY, just days after the release of Judd Apatow's The Interview, which prompted a full-scale nuclear war, killing millions. Minutes after the opening scenes of the movie in theaters, North Korea launched a barrage of intercontinental ballistic missiles armed with nuclear warheads. The Pentagon was phoned by Strategic Air Command and informed of the launch, prompting President Obama to become the first president since Harry S. Truman to launch a nuclear strike. Within hours, a nuclear exchange had occurred and now the nation mourns the loss of many of our major cities, which were instantly obliterated by a toxic mix of totalitarianism and nuclear fission. Badly burned survivors, however, held onto their spirits, with one man, with 3rd-degree burns over 90% of his body and effectively no skin saying, "Would I do it again? Hell yeah. I wasn't going to let some fat Asian dictator from letting me seeing the latest Seth Rogan and James Franco bromance." 

A 37-year-old woman from the recently destroyed city of Chicago, who lost all three of her children during the attack echoed the sentiments of the other victims, saying, "This shows that America does not back down from releasing comedy films. If I survive this radiation poisoning, I'm going to watch the movie two or three more times tomorrow. I think it's what my kids would've wanted."

When asked for a comment, Judd Apatow simply said, "We had to do this out of principle. If we can't even release movies that ridicule other nations' leaders and then brutally murder them on screen, what's next? A rapid slide into an Orwellian nightmare. I, for one, am glad Sony did not back down even though the Japanese-based company had the most to lose by having their homeland under the constant threat of nuclear assault."

The movie, The Interview, starring Seth Rogan and James Franco revolves around the story of Seth Rogan and James Franco laughing a lot and doing lots of borderline homosexual things in the context of a spy-thriller in a contemporary world where there is no legitimate enemy for the United States, seeing as how the Soviet Union is gone and Osama bin Laden is dead. Rogan, in an interview, stated, "Well, the U.S. basically has to go back to square one in terms of enemies. Osama's dead, the Soviet Union has collapsed and the Russia of today is in a perpetual recession, that Libyan guy is gone, Saddam is gone, that Serbian guy is gone, the Venezuelan guy died, so what's left? Vietnam 2? North Korea is an obvious choice, honestly. We know we can kick their ass, but to be perfectly honest, they're just kind of 'there', so why not?" Later, the actor tweeted that he was high when he gave that answer, and to not take it too seriously.

Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un, from the rubble of Pyongyang, declared "We have once again triumphed over imperialism, capitalism, the west, and comedy cinema." to a volleyball he has named 'Wilson', as a majority of his followers are now burning corpses. His declaration was heard by exactly no one because the only radio tower was bombed into rubble, instantly blacking out every radio and television. Nevertheless, the defiant leader continues to insist he is in control of a vibrant nation, giving orders to burnt skeletons, and to military units that have ceased to exist. In fact, the standing strength of North Korea's armed forces stands at a meager three soldiers, who are hiding under a burning tank, wielding bayonets and are refusing to come out and surrender. When western journalists initially approached, the soldiers threatened to shoot, until it became painfully obvious that they had no bullets left, and only then they agreed to give a short statement, declaring, "We are prepared to fight to the end for our dear leader, and the capitalist dog Judd Apatow. We condemn Seth Rogan and James Franco's bromance, because it's getting kind of weird now, kind of like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. We will not stop fighting until every copy of The Interview has been scorched in the furnaces of our fury."

There is no word yet on whether or not they realize that destroying hard copies of the movie won't eliminate file-sharing capabilities that makes it fucking impossible to erase any memory of its existence.

Game of War: moar liek game of whore

"Come play with me", the white-clad maiden says, staring into the camera with her beautiful blue eyes and plastic mammaries. Where have I seen this before? I can't quite recall, just something about 'making love to her against the evils' or some shit. So what do I expect from playing this game? Well, to be honest, huge battles and fornicating with seductive maidens and the occasional stint with the horrifying town wench after a night of feasting on mutton and filling my belly with so much wine that my judgement befalls. But instead, I get this bullshit:

"leave ur alliance bro"

Look, if I'm a fucking alliance, it's probably because I like my allies. They are good Protestant barons like myself who have relations to the Duchess of Burgundy, whose cousin is the Duke of Pomerania, who signed the Treaty of Lodz that promises the Princess of Lithuania will marry the King of Denmark. That is a confusing political curio that I can't just abandon because you need some allies so Brian won't send his cavalry to plunder your wheat fields, you fucking little bitch. If you can't get that through your thick skull, then you need to throw yourself out a window seriously.

Also, this game is Evony. 

And by 'Evony', I mean

illuminati.