Khloe Kardashian Refuses To Have Talent

Khloe Kardashian (seen above) is famous for being the sister of a girl who starred in a homemade porno video whose parents were involved in the OJ Simpson trial.

It's hard to keep up with the.... NO I'M NOT USING THAT PLAY ON WORDS. YOU CAN'T PAY ME ENOUGH FOR THAT SHIT. After a reality show, radio show, singing career, hosting a television show, Khloe Kardashian is facing a unique set of problems: She isn't Kim or Kourtney, and the entertainment industry requires talent, which Khloe lacks. She just appears to be a glorified homeless person in the Hollywood scene, begging for gigs. No, hold on. That wasn't mean enough. She's like a slut who seems to be willing to suck any floppy old dick just to keep her pathetic existence vaguely on the radar of America. 

Hm, that still wasn't mean enough. Okay, let's try this: Khloe Kardashian is the shit stain on the carpet of Hollywood that just will not come up, even after being blasted many times with Oxyclean. Wait, hold on. The floppy dick one seemed meaner, actually, and people are counting on me to deliver the bite that only a rabid attack-dog journalist can deliver; Khloe Kardashian is possibly the most mentally-retarded crack baby slut whore who sucks AIDS-infested, shit-covered, brown-semen-spitting wrinkly ancient dicks just because her life is a piece of trash manifesting itself in human form.

You know what? I really feel like I can do this. Let me just try one more time: If Andy Dick got AIDS, then ate a newborn baby with szechuan sauce, then shit that out into a raccoon's mouth, then a homeless guy collected that raccoon's fleas, mashed them into a ball and ate them while smearing the raccoon's guts all over his body in an underwater genetic-testing chamber while being blasted with gamma rays and diarrhea, and living on a strict diet of pig vomit and phlegm, his shit would be Khloe Kardashian, whose career consists of ripping apart the very fabric existence by defying God and continuing to felching out of the assholes of sumos who are covered in slime because they never shower, just so she can continue to curse everyone's very beings with her incessant fucking pathetic uselessness that contaminates any sane or decent human being's means of perception. Anything she looks at transmogrifies into diarrhea and then explodes all over the place, and her baby is already smoking crystal meth because she puts a meth pipe in it's mouth instead of a bottle, as she is a unequivocally horrendous mother who is raising her children to grow up to become rapists and murderers. Just kidding, all of that would be a step up from where she is right now, that fucking worthless cunt, that living bucket of polar bear shit, that bitch-ass talentless dumpster slut who needs to get eaten by a tyrannosaur.

Yikes, I feel like an asshole after writing that. But that's the internet. You have to be outrageously mean for no reason at all or else you're just not doing it right.

The Pope Quits

"If you will not turn to the dark side, then you will be destroyed" ~ Pope Joey "Eggs" Benedict XVI

Last Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI, the most evil-looking Pope in recent history, handed in his two-week notice. "This job is not for me." Benedict said, "I don't want to spend the best years of my life working as a Pope. I'm really hoping to get back in school and get a degree in photography like I always wanted to do."

The supreme Catholic leader spent several years living in a gigantic golden palace while spending much of his time urging the poor to give money to The Lord, after taking the place of the late John Paul II, who overthrew the Soviet Union with the help of Ronald Reagan and David Hasselhoff in 1991. John Paul II died when he drank too many "5-Hour Energy" drinks, which apparently, are lethal if you drink more than five of them. The Catholic Chuuuch tapped into Joseph Ratzinger, a former Nazi scientist that worked on Hitler's secret fortress, Castle Wolfenstein, to become the next Pope. Many Catholics were unsure of how to receive the new Pope. Billy Brien, a dock worker in Boston, and Catholic, said "Ay, if you ask me, Popes are a bunch of fuckin' bullshit. I want a fuckin' Pope that I can have a fuckin' drink with, maybe hit up the titty bar or somethin'. That'd be one cool fuckin' Pope." then he dropped his cigarette and stamped it out before returning to work.

The Catholic Church has expressed interest in having Lady Gaga become the next Pope, which they hope will make the Papacy "More hip, more current, more edgy. Just what we need to get more kids into Catholicism. We need kids to do the Lord's work, because kids are the future and they are little cuties. Shit, I've said too much." 

Benedict XVI resigned after saying out loud "What's the big deal? Kids have orifices just like any other human being. If they want to have sex with an adult, that should be fine." while his microphone was still on backstage at the BET Music Video Awards, after handing out an award trophy to rapper Waka Flocka Flame.

Groundhog Attacks; President Declares State of Emergency

Today was a terrifying and perhaps one of the most important days in history, one we will not soon forget. The official Groundhog Day groundhog unleashed his wrath on many of the eastern seaboard's major cities, virtually leveling some cities, such as Newark, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., Annapolis, Hoboken, and many parts of New York. At 11:39 EST, the Groundhog unexpectedly turned on it's handlers and vaporized them with it's powerful obliteration ray that shot forth from it's eyes. It is unclear how the Groundhog developed the ability to perform a projection of directed energy as a weapon, but the fact remains: it happened and we're in the middle of the worst crisis the nation has ever faced.

Hours after the Groundhog's first strike, President Obama declared a state of emergency, and briefly addressed the news corps, who were eagerly awaiting news in the midst of the chaos and fear. "We must evacuate the Capital." the President declared, "The Groundhog is on his way here, and as of yet, we have no immediate means of responding to this type of crisis. I have been on the phone with our law enforcement officials, who have been absolutely heroic but overwhelmed by the destruction left in the wake of this abomination of a furry woodland creature. We are considering a military strike to nullify the Groundhog, but we are working to only use such measures as a last resort." and he quickly was shuffled away by Secret Service agents who informed him that the Groundhog was close by.

Republican leaders were quick to criticize the President's response. Senator Lindsay Graham (R) said, "I would have immediately called up the Air Force and said 'let's bomb this thing.'". Critics of the Obama Administration also called on the President to resign, with Sean Hannity of Fox News saying "This treatment of the Groundhog by the President is disgraceful and shameful. We should've taken it out with a missile. Mr. Obama should resign and apologize to the American people." The Obama Administration issued a statement, saying "We are working tirelessly to nullify the Groundhog situation, and we are personally appalled by politicians and media figures using this tragedy to gain ratings and political points. The President has pledged to put an end to the Groundhog and introduce legislation that will address the Groundhog issue in the future."

The Groundhog also gave a statement, saying in his Darth-Vaderesque voice, "Winter may last only six more weeks, but the Hell I will bring to this world will be eternal." although hours later, a spokesperson for the Groundhog seemed to retract this statement, claiming that the Groundhog "Misspoke and did not mean to offend anyone."

Bill Murray Caught In Time Loop

Earlier today, veteran actor Bill Murray, who has starred in many critically-acclaimed films, became caught in a "time-loop", a re-occurring day that simply will not pass until you've lived it correctly. Scientists are unable to pinpoint a cause for this phenomenon, but physicists at the University of Berkeley have theorized that Quantum Mechanics may play some roll. Dr. Mahib Kasthurirangan, a specialist in theoretical particle physics explained, "What Mr. Murray experienced earlier today is what we might call a time-loop, but more accurately, a time-space-loop, since space and time are intertwined. This is what we call a 'Quantum liability', where the particle acceleration rate slows to where it is nearly stopped, which is non-perceptable to any human orifices, but drops the probability of say, a single nanosecond passing, to absolute zero, ergo, space and matter stay in place, but the human mind perceives this as a repeating day many times over in space of a fraction of a second until the mind 'resolves' the crisis, which can have a huge impact on the psyche of the subject, sometimes altering their entire personalities. This has been known at times to even happen when someone is struck by lightning, and it is possible that such a mechanism could be triggered by highly-charged electrodes, and in some cases, has been known to cause humans and nearby dogs to 'switch bodies'."

Mr. Murray appears to be in good health and spirits, saying "I feel great. I really do. I've spent a lot of time stuck on this day happening over and over again, and I'm going to kind of miss it." Doctors have been reluctant to release Mr. Murray from his padded cell still, citing that Murray's recent incident has driven him into a 'spiral of madness' where he has yelled out in an unknown language and has attempted to smear feces on himself and the room he was housed in. Murray denies any kind of mental incapacity, saying "I'm just fine, really. These guys really don't know how to take a joke. I'm the kind of guy who likes to have fun sometimes and if people get it, great, but if they don't, don't lock me up for it, sheesh."

Hot Girl of The Week: Michelle Malkin

Look, Conservative bitches just do it better in bed. Not that Michelle Malkin is a bitch. She is a beautiful human being, who just happens to agree with absolutely everything hard-right Republicans do. Should we all have AR-15s? You betcha. Mexicans? Get them outta here. Muslims? Get the AR-15s. Et cetera. Also, there is the undeniable fact that Michelle Malkin is Asian, and I have only two weaknesses: candy and Asian women. Also, I'm afraid of centipedes, but I digress. Michelle Malkin is a very little-known Conservative blogger, which you would think would be a total turn-off to me, since I'm a hardcore liberal hollywood blogger who loves celebz, but somehow, she just gets my buttcheeks hard. Now, other liberals love to be haters on Michelle because their red-star berets are cutting off circulation to their brain cells, and they're missing out on the fact that she's beautiful. Just because she goes on Fox News to tell everyone how bad Obama is doesn't make her any less Asian, and any less sexy. Besides, Obama probably is selling the US Nuclear Arsenal to Belgium so he can get 24-inch chrome rims on his ride.

If I could give any advice to Michelle Malkin, it would be: You should sing the hook in a rap song.

Unfortunately, I do not think Michelle Malkin and myself would last long as a couple, sadly enough. First of all, she has my ex-girlfriend's name, and that could get weird. Second of all, Michelle is also the President's wife's name, so it could get doubly weird, especially if we did some bizarre political-sex roleplay scenario where I put on black-face and fuck her as Barack Obama. Then, as we're having sex, she'd say, in between panting and moaning, "This is an allegory for what Mr. Obama is doing to this country. He's fucking us. He's fucking us hard. Oh oh, don't stop, Mr. President." and I'd be all like "What the shit is this fuck?" and my buttcheeks would immediately go flaccid and it'd all be over. I just don't want to go through that. I don't think I'm emotionally ready for that right now in my life. I'm sorry.

BONUS POSTER!

How Hayden Panettiere lost 245 lbs in just 2 weeks!

Hollywood loves young upcoming stars, and Hayden Panettiere is no exception, but she has one weakness: food. After NBC's Heroes was cancelled due to the fact that it sucked and the writers had no idea where they were going with the plot, Panettiere began eating a large amount of bacon and chocolate ice cream every day, sometimes at the same time, and ended up looking like Jabba the Hutt, or worse, Rosie O'Donnell. To have a career in the entertainment industry, everyone knows that you can't be fat, unless you're a man. Everyone knows that fat guys are hilarious. I sincerely hope in future that fat people never rise up against discrimination and it becomes politically incorrect to make fun of the morbidly obese, which might jeopardize my potential run for President of the United States of America. 

Anyhow, ABC developed a brand-new series called Nashville, which is okay. I saw an episode of it, and it's the same old TV drama formulas crammed into a country-music-industry anecdote. But whatever, right? Country music may not be my forte per se, but the show is still better than any of that herpes-ridden rotten horse saliva being squeezed out of the nipple of the evil giraffe-goddess, also known as "NBC shows". I mean, they're ending 30 Rock? Eat a bag of period blood, NBC.

Wait, what was I writing about? Oh, right. Hayden Panettiere was on the way to being the epitome of all those "yo momma so fat..." jokes when her agent told her that she was going to need to lose some of that flab, and replace it with fab. Panettiere immediately threw her cellphone against a brick wall out of sheer rage, which burned like 10 calories right there. Then she went into the gym, where a bunch of muscular steroid-guys offered to give her personal training "for free". She declined, knowing that she would have to sleep with them, and they would have very small dicks. She walked on the treadmill for like 2 seconds before realizing something.

"I was in really bad shape!" Panettiere said, "I knew things had gotten out of control. I knew I had to make like Stella and get my groove back. Walking on that treadmill sure wasn't going to do it, so I went to the only person I could trust: Dr. Scienceman, who works as a nutritionist, personal trainer, and spiritual adviser to the stars. The man is truly amazing. He taught the Prince of Spain how to do a back handspring. So I went to him to ask him for his guidance. He looked me right in my eyes, my big beautiful blue eyes, which complimented my soft facial features and flowing golden hair, and said 'Hayden, you need to starve. You need to starve hard.' and that's what I did. I starved the living daylights out of myself. I starved until I was skinny enough. I starved until I was good enough. Then, ABC called me and said 'We see you've lost quite a bit of weight there. We had a part in our show that we were going to have to give to Ashley Tisdale, but thank God we don't have to. You have no idea how relieved we are. We want to sign you to the show for the price of 1,000,000,000$ per episode. And I said yes. It's a truly inspiring American dream story come true. If you work hard in America, and are pretty enough, anything is possible."

Dan Marino Has a Love-Child.

Dan Marino, giving the "thumbs up". "The sex was good." He said, speaking of his mistress.

WELL FOLKS, GUESS WHO ELSE HAS A LOVE-CHILD? Long-time football-guy-man-dude-thing, Dan Marino. But why? Why do so many celebrity men have extra-marital affairs? Dr. Stanley Lynn of the University of Puerto Rico, a specialist in field of Female Anatomy, explained, "Celebrity men who cheat on their wives are all governed by a principle which I have hypothesized in my many, many scientific journals, which sadly, nobody will ever read. Anyhow, my hypothesis basically combines the factors of the male penis, which is stimulated by the visualization of a female. This is a preliminary finding, but I believe males, generally, are inherently designed to actually want to insert their penises into the female vagina, without fear of the dreaded vaginal teeth that have been rumored to exist."

A spokesperson for Christian Families Living Unrealistically Perfect Lives, a non-profit group devoted to denouncing everything, denounced Dr. Lynn's findings, saying "We sincerely believe that once a man is wed to a woman through marriage with the proper legal documentation, that the all-powerful, infinitely supreme being beyond all of our comprehension and possible grasp of knowledge of his true nature, who could cause all of existence to cease by blinking, does not want men to stick their junk into any other woman besides the woman he signed those papers with."

Marino himself commented on the situation, saying, "Look. I take full responsibility for my actions, and by that, I mean I actually take zero responsibility for my actions. I do not expect to be punished, and I will say whatever I possibly can to convince my family and fans to keep watching football shows that include me in them. What I did was very wrong, I mean, EXTREMELY wrong, however, in a contradictory thought juxtaposed to the prior half of this sentence, I have no regrets about anything. I mean, the sex was hot. Real hot. I loved squeezing her boobs and putting my dick in her pussy. Then, I would also cum. That part always made my dick feel just fantastic. However, the whole time, I was all like 'I hope my wife doesn't find out about this', but dang it, she found out! Haha, ya got me. You got me good."

Then, right there, at the press conference, a chimpanzee spontaneously combusted.