Hot Celebrity Fitness Tips

YOU WILL BE DEAD.

Listen, kid. The glamor and glitz of celebz' lives come with a price: the promise by the public that if celebrities do not eat radioactive waste and shit perfection, their careers will be flushed down the toilet like a smashed spider in a kleenex. This means that physical fitness is just a part of everyday life for a hot hot celeb. But what are the secrets of the stars that help them stay so fit? I've got the scoop on that.

Here are some of their snippets of wisdom:

"Do steroids." - 50 Cent

"Do a lot of steroids." - Ryan Braun

"Do so many steroids that it's insane." - Jose Canseco

"Start every day with steroids." - Carrot Top

"I have an autistic son, and I am a brave, brave single mother." - Jenny McCarthy

"To keep myself in shape, I eat a lot of vegetables and stuff." - Katy Perry

"Where the hell am I? What's going on?" - Russell Brand

"I eat a lot of bamboo." - Lady GaGa, dressed up as a panda

"QUIT YOUR CRYING, GET ON THE TREADMILL AND GO. STOP BEING A FUCKING BABY AND GIVING ME SHIT. YOU'RE HERE TO GET YOUR FAT ASS IN SHAPE, AND IF YOU GIVE ME ANY MORE SHIT ABOUT WORKING OUT, I WILL INCINERATE YOUR BODY IN THE FURY OF MY RAGE AND PUNT YOUR SOUL INTO THE DARKEST CREVICE OF HELL AND KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY." - Jillian Michaels

"Break Nancy Kerrigan's knee cap!" - Tonya Harding

"Be active for 30 minutes every day. Get your family involved and make it fun!" - Michelle Obama






















but, Michelle, my dad is an alcoholic and my mom is in jail for...

"GET YOUR FAMILY INVOLVED AND MAKE IT FUN." - Michelle Obama

Hot Girl Of The Week: Snooki

What? You got a problem with this blog post, mom? Well guess what; I'm GROWN. Y'ALL CAN'T GROUND ME. I'M GROWN. Now, you may be wondering, "Why now? Isn't there some irrelevant international crisis to cover instead of Snooki, who is famous for doing nothing? Isn't our economy in a crisis? Crisis?"

Goddamn it, I'm sick of the goddamn economy. The economy can go fuck itself, if that's even possible (it's probably not). And what - if I write about the economy hard enough, then that'll make everything all better? Well, here you go: Free markets are expected to undergo booms and busts concurrent with the proliferation of the public sector debt. Most people make the assumption that economic policy and 'the economy' are interrelated, however, blah blah blah blah go suck my dick. There, you happy now? Got a job again? No? Alright, then let's talk about Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi, who isn't "famous for nothing". She's famous for being hilarious on national television. Now, no one is more hilarious than fat people, because it's still socially acceptable to poke fun at them and their jiggly rolls of fat. However, while we were all caught up in this 'economy' nonsense, Snooki rolled up in a cocoon of anorexia, and emerged as a skeletal butterfly of pure Hollywood beauty. Therefore, the transformation is complete: Snooki has gone from 'hilarious fat girl' to 'incredibly skinny girl who might still be funny but who the hell knows'.

Personally, as part of the Hollywood (and sometimes Bollywood) scene, I see rib cages and protruding spinal bones as gorgeous. I don't want boobs. I don't want butts or curves or a working reproductive system on my women - I want bones and fragility. I want to see them squeeze into size -2 dresses on red carpets, and Snooki has accomplished just that. Therefore, Snooki has become a thing of beauty in my eyes, and any tabloid that wants to bash her and LeAnn Rimes for being holocaustically gorgeous; I challenge the head editor of any such spin organization to a duel with two pistols at twenty paces.

If I had any advice to give to Snooki it would be: You go girl.

Unfortunately, I could not accept Snooki as a girlfriend, and I don't think our relationship would work out because I love eating food. I would chomp into a quadruple stack bacon cheeseburger in front of her and she'd be all like "Why you gotta eat in front of me? You're just being a jerk." and I'd be all like "Yo chica, I needs ma quadruple stack, and if you don't like it, how about you just go to hell?" and then she contest my suggestion to burn eternally in Satan's abode due to her disdain for my vile eating habits by telling me that "we're through" and then storming off in a huff. I would then be heart-broken, but not from the break-up... mostly because of the quadruple stack. That thing literally breaks hearts.

Dead Girl Of The Week: Whitney Houston

Warning: Some people may find this post offensive. If you find that you are offended by things that are clearly offensive, then I would recommend you close this blog and visit a more appropriate site for you.

You have been warned.

































Whitney Houston died.













RAWRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKK NOOOOOOOOOOOO SHIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT

WHY GOD WHY

A short bio on the life of Whitney Houston: Whitney Houston was born in Houston (hence, her name) in 19something9. At the young age of 27, she auditioned for a college musical called Why Are Musicals So Gay? and some very powerful illuminati talent scouts were chillin' in the audience that night. Four months later, she was signed to a record label, and released her first album: Whitney Houston: The Hits, because she figured she'd release a "best of" album immediately, because all of her songs were the best. Shortly afterwards, she started smoking crack. She smoked a lot of crack. Just tons and tons of crack. In an interview with Diane Sawyer, when asked about her crack addiction, Whitney Houston said "Diane, let me make something clear. If there was a 25th hour in each day, I'd smoke crack during that hour, as well as all the other hours. The amount of crack in each of those said hours is enough to instantly kill a healthy race horse. Stevie Wonder considers me to be his mentor. When I eat powdered donuts, I use cocaine instead of powdered sugar. Once, while I was in grade school, I was smoking crack in the front of the class. My teacher stopped the lesson and said 'Whitney, give me that crack pipe', and I asked her why. She said I shouldn't be smoking crack unless I brought enough for everybody, and let me tell you - I did. Have you ever seen a room filled with 30 fifth graders on crack? I have, but I was also on crack at the time."

If I had any advice for Whitney Houston it would be: When you come back as a zombie, do not eat Bobby Brown's brain. It's almost certainly going to be filled with crack cocaine thoughts.

I don't think Whitney Houston and I would make a good couple because she's dead, and I'm not prepared to have sex with a dead body. Like, mentally, I'm just not there. If someone held a gun to my head and said "I want you to fuck a dead body." I'd just have to turn to them and go "No. That's too freaky. I'm not doing that." and just take a bullet to the face. Also, I'm not a very big crack-smoker. In my opinion, crack is a poor person's drug and I'm far too high-class to ever even consider smoking it. Crack is cheap. Crack is stupid.

In memorandum
Whitney Houston
1963 - 2012
We'll miss ya
And all those African kids who starve to death every day