Official Apology To All The Fan

naw suckers I'm not sorry, you can all sue me

- Eminem

Hot Girl Of The Week: Casey Anthony

Hi mom

WOW SUCH BEAUTY MUCH INNOCENCE WOw

LISTEN UP YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, I AM ABOUT TO KICK SOME SICK FACTS OF SCIENCE AND MAGIC TO YOU LITTLE KIDS SO TAKE YOUR MOUTH OFF YOUR MOM'S NIPPLE FOR ONE SECOND AND LISTEN TO YOUR NEW GOD. CASEY ANTHONY IS HOT. YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT. IS SHE INSANE? NO, SHE'S THE ONLY SANE PERSON IN A CRAZY WORLD. WHY WOULD I DEFEND A WOMAN WHO PROBABLY KILLED HER OFFSPRING? LOOK AT THOSE TITS. THOSE TITS DON'T LIE. NOR DO THOSE HIPS. THEY TELL A TALE OF A DELICIOUS VAGINA THAT LURKS BETWEEN THE VALLEYS OF HER BEAUTIFUL PALE-ASS LEGS, WAITING TO RECEIVE MY LASER-GUIDED SPIKED PENIS, 5,000 LBS OF HIGH EXPLOSIVE SEMEN DESIGNED BY MILITARY ENGINEERS TO PENETRATE DEEP INTO HER BUNKER AND BUST IT.  d

"But dude, that's really offensive..."

Take the dick out of your ass for five seconds. You all may be aware by now that this bitch be crazy, and crazy bitches are always the best in bed. More crazy = more bed-power. Would attack me with a stapler? Maybe. Would she impale my cat onto the wall with a nail gun? Maybe. Would she drug me with bath salts and throw me into a bin of medical waste? Probably. But I still think, somewhere, deep down inside of her, there is a woman with a wet vagina that is unoccupied by dick, and I have sympathy for her. 

And when my parents read this, they'll probably have to drive off a cliff Thelma and Louise style into the Grand Canyon and explode in a massive fireball of fire. Good. I'm an adult now, and this is my way of rebelling. Oh, and you thought I'd just resort to wearing tight jeans, listening to Hawthorne Heights while sobbing, pretending to be bisexual and smoking the marijuana leaves to let you know that I am an angry young man!?!?!? EFF THAT, I'm not stopping sleeping with highly questionable women until I have AIDS and Cancer, even if it's not medically possible to get cancer through sexual transmission, but if we can put a man on the moon, someday, it WILL be possible.

Wait, whoa. What is the point of this again?

Oh yeah

So uh, did she do it? Not with me. I don't know about that court thing, but they said "Not guilty", and hey, I have full faith in the American Justice System, because there is no way it can be flawed. Unfortunately, Casey and I simply won't work out as a couple because she is in hiding, for fear of her life. I need a woman who is able to go to Dairy Queen with me and sip ice cream shakes together. I can't do that if I'm constantly worried someone will run up to her and stab her. And what if Slenderman comes after her? Then we're both fucked. Nobody can stop that guy.

PEACE!

Justin Bieber: "Nigger"

So this one time, when Justin Bieber was younger, he said "Nigger" or "Nigga" or "Spear-chucking porch monkey" or something of that nature, and it was totally racist. Like REALLY totally literally racist. I mean, that shit was racist as hell. It was so racist that for a moment, I thought the Reverend Al Sharpton was going to have an aneurism when he found out.

In other news, Justin Bieber's song "Baby" saved a black kid's life, which totally isn't BS. That shit actually happened, and now a young boy (who is African-American) is now alive and well, thanks to Justin Bieber's hit single, "Baby". This proves that Justin Bieber is totally not racist and that his music prevents young African-American children from dying. OR MAYBE IT WAS THE VERSE LUDA DROPPED ON THAT SHIT, NIGGA.

NASA announces 100 billion-dollar project to send Justin Bieber to the sun

Last Tuesday, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, or NASA, finalized a plan to send pop-singer Justin Bieber directly into the Solar System's gravitational center: The Sun. "This is an initiative I beliebe people will embrace and support." A spokesperson for NASA commented, "When I saw Lance Armstrong set foot on the moon for the first time in 1967, I knew that as a kid, I wanted to become an astronaut, but I ended up becoming a spokesperson instead. Fuck."

President Obama has signed the budgetary allocation for the project to get underway and is optimistic about its impact on humans' renewed inspiration to explore the stars, or in this case, a single star. "America is a patriotic, eagle-loving, Christian, apple-pie, English-speaking, freedom-loving nation with a rich tradition of spending enormous sums of money we do not have, and will never be able to pay back on frivolous, but extraordinary projects, and that is one of the things that brings people together and makes this nation great. God bless America, and not the Muslim God. The Christian one." President Obama stated during a press conference he held to prove he was just a non-threatening traditional values American, just like you and I. 

Advocates of the project are eager to see the results of the expedition. Dr. Harold Williams, a janitor at McDonald's, stated on his website, nakedthaisluts.com, "This has serious scientific implications for which I am excited to see. What will happen if we collide an anti-star with a normal star? Some people think a black hole will spawn and destroy the Solar System. I, for one, would love to see that happen. That'll show my parents what happens when you take away my computer time in the middle of a raid."

Chelsea Bright, a 12-year-old girl, was more pessimistic, stating "Uh, like, won't he die if he goes to the sun? This better be a joke, and even if it is, it's not very funny. You need to stop hating on Justin because you're jealous of his success." However, sources close to Chelsea say that she is hating on Stephanie because Chelsea has a crush on Ryan, but Stephanie seems to be getting more attention from Ryan.

Even major news outlets were enthusiastic about the expedition, with NBC News With Brian Williams ending the newscast with this statement from Brian Williams himself: "And on a positive note, we will end the evening with some inspiring news. By 2020, we will send Justin Bieber to the sun, and the mere heat from the outer atmosphere will likely vaporize him instantly. His music was really bad, so fuck him. Goodnight."